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WILD & WACKY:  60 One-Minute Monologues for Kids

Audition Monologues, Contemporary Themes, Ages 5-10


   * Written by L.E. McCullough, Ph.D.

   * ISBN: 1-57525-305-4

   * Retail List Price: $17.00 (check online retailers for other prices)


CHILDREN ARE natural storytellers.


What they experience, what they learn, what they feel each and every day during their ascent from infancy to adulthood is frequently expressed in the form of stories or anecdotes they hear from friends and family.


And that’s exactly what happens in a good monologue.


A character learns or conveys an important bit of information — a sudden comprehension, perhaps, or even wisdom of a kind — about him/herself and his/her world.


Childhood is a time of unexcelled wonder and imagination.


These 60 monologues by children’s playwright L.E. McCullough focus on the magical moments of delight and discovery that make being a kid one of the best things anyone ever does in life.

Synopses & Excerpts from WILD & WACKY

All material © 2002 L.E. McCullough



CAT AND MOUSE. I walked into my room last night and saw my cat Cocoa playing with a mouse. Hisss! Mrrrowww! Eeeek! It was terrible! She chased the poor little thing all over the desk.


BUTTERCUP. One day my friend Jamie and I were in a field near my house picking wild flowers. We found a big patch of buttercups. We picked a whole handful of them, and I counted the petals. “Guess what?” I said to Jamie. “All the buttercups have five petals.” And just as I put the them in our collecting sack, I felt something brush my hand. I thought maybe it was a bug. But when I looked down, there was one little buttercup sticking out above the others — and it had six petals! I think it heard what I said, and it wanted to tell us “No, not me, I have six petals! I’m special! Can’t you see how special I am?”


THE HAUNTED YO-YO. I think my yo-yo is haunted. Every time I give it a spin, it goes crazy. It tries to mess up the tiles when our family plays scrabble and my dad is about to win — again. Or it tries to knock the socks off our clothes line after my sister has spent a long time putting them up. Once it tried to open the bird cage and make the parakeet dance.


SUMMER IN A BOX. (holding a small box or cassette case) This is my summer box. That’s right. Just before school started last fall, I put my whole summer in this box. Well, so I can carry summer around with me all year!


THE TOO TALL BOY. My cousin has a friend who knows a boy whose mom is married to a man who has a nephew that is the tallest boy in the world. This boy grew so tall, his shadow couldn’t keep up with him and just fell down around his knees.

CLOUD BANK. (pointing to sky) See that? Way up there? The gray thing near the sun that looks like a big mushed-out pillow. It’s a cloud bank. That’s what my grandpa says. What? What do they keep in a cloud bank? Silly! Everybody knows they keep baby clouds in a cloud bank. Why? So the baby clouds can grow and collect interest.

DINGLE-PUFFERS. (laughs) Ha-ha-ha! (stops) No, I wasn’t laughing, ma’am. Really, I wasn’t. Ha-ha-ha! No, please don’t send me to the principal’s office! It wasn’t me laughing! It was the dingle-puffers!


SAVE THE MOON. (pointing at ground) Quick, get a rake! Or a shovel! Or a broom! Hurry! Don’t you see? Look there! The moon fell into the swimming pool! We have to get it out before it drowns!


ONE SMART SLINKY. My slinky follows me everywhere. At least, I think it’s my slinky. One day I heard this funny noise, like a lot of little metal feet running really fast and going woing-woing-woing-woing-WOINGGGGGGGG! I looked behind me, and there was the slinky, shaking and breathing hard like it had run a long way to catch up.


WELCOME TO THE FAMOUS PANCAKE MUSEUM. Welcome to the Famous Pancake Museum. This is where famous pancakes and famous pancake makers and eaters throughout the ages are given a place of honor and respect.


I WANT TO BE A DENTIST. I want to be a dentist when I grow up. It would be fun! Exploring deep, dark caves in the center of the earth. Finding lost worlds where giant slimy plaque monsters lurk around every corner — just waiting to jump out and grab your fingers!


BALLOON BASKETBALL. I invented a new game. It’s called Balloon Basketball. It’s just like regular basketball, except all the players are in hot-air balloons that drift very slowly around the gym.


SHOW AND TELL. My first day at my new school, I knew my teacher didn’t like me. “You have a lot of catching up to do,” said Mrs. Anderson. “If you don’t work hard, you’ll be a very sorry third-grader.” That night, I was really sad. Suddenly, I had an idea and ran to the piano bench and grabbed a pencil and a sheet of music paper.

THE OCEAN LAUGHING. The best thing I like about going to the beach is standing at the edge of the water with my toes dug in the cool wet sand and feeling the last little wavelet wusshhing up over my feet in a big spatter of white foam around my ankles and then dribbling back into the ocean. I stand there and close my eyes and pretend I’m that last little wavelet and I think about where the big ocean takes me every day.


DRIVE-BY. Yesterday while we were watching the snow quiet down the afternoon city noise like a soft white blanket over a box of yelping pups, we saw a pack of little boys on fancy painted brandname sleds racing down the bank and yelling and throwing snowballs at each other.


THINGS I WONDER. Do you ever wonder why scientists don’t measure the speed of dark? Do you ever wonder why you never see any fleas for sale at a flea market? Or why it is always the last key on the ring that opens the door? Or if the temperature today is zero degrees, and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is two times zero going to be?


EVERY TIME I LOSE, I WIN. (running up huffing, puffing breathlessly) Wow! That was an awesome race! I was ahead halfway through, then, I don’t know what happened — she passed me and I just couldn’t catch up. I better go congratulate her. Well, sure, I always congratulate whoever wins. Don’t you?


FAUCET MONSTERS. You’ve got a monster under your bed! Ha-ha-ha! That’s crazy! Ha-ha-ha! That’s the silliest thing I ever heard, monster under your bed! Ha-ha-ha! Everybody knows they hide in the bathroom faucet. It’s a fact! Monsters stopped hiding under kids’ beds years ago.


SWIM, SWIM HOME. Last summer I was at the seashore on vaction. Just before dawn I woke up because I was having a terrible dream. I was dreaming that some animal needed water, needed water so bad it was going to die.


LOST AND FOUND. (peering around as if in a big room) This is an amazing place! It’s the Lost and Found Department of my brain! Hey, there’s my common sense mom always says I’m losing. (picks up imaginary object from floor, stuffs it into ear) I think I dropped some I.Q. points at the video arcade. Oh, here they are. (plucks scattered objects from air, swallows them) Good to have those back!


HAPPY BUILDINGS. Yesterday, we rode on the train past my dad’s old neighborhood where he grew up as a kid. It was full of old buildings. Mile after mile of old, empty, tumble-down buildings where nobody lived or worked anymore. Old, tired, grey buildings kneeling by the side of the tracks, falling down a little bit more each day.


BURIED TREASURE. (on knees, running hands carefully over ground) Hi! You may be wondering why I’m out here in the middle of the school soccer field. In the dark. On my hands and knees. With a soup spoon. Well, duhhhhh! I’m digging for buried treasure!


SHOE HORN. You ever think much about a shoe horn? No, I don’t mean a shoe that makes a noise like a trumpet! I mean that little piece of wood or metal or even plastic that you put under your heel to help you slide your foot into a tight pair of shoes.


ELF PRESSURE. (yawning, rubbing eyes) Gosh, I had another weird dream! A big giant whale dressed in a Dallas Cowboys football uniform was talking to me about the beet-and-spinach casserole mom served for dinner last night. Yeh, kinda crazy, I know. Soon as the hardware store opens up this morning, I’m going to buy some elf repellent and spray my room before I sleep tonight.

RIP VAN WINKLE. I think one of the coolest stories ever is Rip Van Winkle by Washington Irving. This fellow Rip goes bowling in the woods, drinks some magic kool-aid and falls asleep. When he wakes up, it’s twenty years later! Wouldn’t that be the perfect excuse for missing a math test? Or not cleaning your room or doing chores. “Sorry, mom, I was asleep for twenty years. Hope somebody fed the cat. Can I have all my allowance, anyway?”

SECOND-HAND STORE. We were about to leave when I saw a row of stuffed animals huddled together on a chipped brown shelf. There was a teddy bear with an ear missing and a rabbit with all its fur chewed off. A dog with its big red tongue hanging out and a baby monkey that still smiled even though the person who had owned him had left him there at the second-hand store and wasn’t ever coming back. Each one of those animals had their own story.


TOTEM SPINACH. I’m sorry, mom. I cannot eat the spinach. Spinach is my totem animal. Eating your totem animal is a taboo, a crime against the divine order that can bring misfortune and death. Mom? Mom, stop laughing! I am very serious!


BICYCLE PEOPLE. Our teacher says that there would be less air pollution if more people rode bicycles to work instead of driving cars. I know how there would be even less pollution than that — if people were bicycles!

A GOOD THUMB IS A GOOD FRIEND. (sucking thumb, then pulling it swiftly from mouth and regarding it proudly) I don’t care what anybody says. I’m a thumbsucker and proud of it! For one thing, you always know where to find it. It’s never going to just wander away from you or be on vacation. It’s never going to talk about you behind your back. Or break your toys or grab the last piece of candy in the bowl, the candy you’ve been wanting all day! Nope, a good thumb is a good friend. And I’ve got two of them! (sticks both thumbs in mouth)


THE OTHER SIDE OF A PUDDLE. (walking slowly around something on the ground, then stopping) No, I’m not afraid of getting wet. I know it’s only a puddle. But did you ever look at a puddle? Really look inside the puddle? Sure, you see your reflection. But what’s underneath? Go ahead, look deeper. What’s on the other end of a puddle? Do you have the guts to find out?

Synopses & Excerpts, cont.

MARSHMALLOWS ARE THE WAY TO WORLD PEACE. If I were President, people would use marshmallows for money. Marshmallows would be our national currency. That means every time you went to work, you would get paid with a big bag of marshmallows.


ANIMALS SLEEPING. I like walking in the woods. Though mostly I don’t really walk but find a comfy place to sit. And then I listen. I listen to all the animals sleeping. I can hear them breathing. I can hear their hearts beating. Their eyes fluttering shut. Ssshhh, listen!


POPSICLES IN THE DESERT. (studiously working calculator) Hi. I’m figuring how many popsicle sticks it takes to cover the Sahara Desert.


THE RIDDLE POLICE. A couple years ago, my family moved into a new town. It was called Riddleville. One day on my way home from school, I was stopped by the police. That’s right — the Riddle Police of Riddleville. I was charged with attempting to riddle while walking in a no-riddle zone.


SHOWER HEAD. The Super Duper Adjustable Power Shower Head has a setting for Sun Shower. All of a sudden a big bright blast of sunshine pours out onto your face! And there’s the Snow Shower setting. Zing! You can hear jingle bells all the way to grandma’s house!


MY TALKING TOOTHBRUSH. How is that? Okay, here we go! (raises toothbrush to mouth) Oh, excuse me. I was just talking to my toothbrush. Well, of course it talks back. Doesn’t yours?


HELLO. OLA. Hello. Ola. Aloha. Halo. Hylo. Oi. Hei. Helele. Ni hao. Ei Je. Ahoj. Salam. Shalom. Ahalan. Bonjour. Bok. Guten Tag. Salve. Jambo. Molo. Xin chào. Gia’sou. Parev. Zdravo. Goddag. Hello. That’s a friendly sound in every language, don’t you think?


SHIP IN A BOTTLE. (gazing around at the distant horizon) Wow! I’m on a ship! An old wooden clipper ship with wide white sails, and we’re sailing in a big blue ocean filled with. . . pink bubbles!


UNSOLVED NURSERY RHYMES. So you think nursery rhymes are just innocent kiddie tales, eh? Well, I call them “unsolved mysteries” from Fairy Land. Just what made Georgie “Porgy”? Peter Piper put a lot of effort into picking pickled peppers. Why? How did the cradle that rocked get up on the tree top in the first place?


HOW ABOUT MAUVE? (holding hand over eye, turning knob as if on a television, repeating) I’m adjusting the tint on the world. Everything today is looking a bit too green. Yesterday everything was too grey. So I’m going to make it more, hmmm. . . let’s see, how about mauve? (turns knob)

WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR. (sings) “When you wish upon a star.” Don’t you just love that song? I wonder what it would be like to actually be on a star. To exist as a tiny particle of matter way out in space.


OPEN, SAYS ME. (dramatically) “Open, Sesame!” Did you ever wonder how the robbers in Arabian Nights chose the words that opened their treasure cave? I mean, why “Sesame”? Why not “Open, Spaghetti!!”? Or “Open, Corn Dog!”? Or “Open, Falafel!”?


INVENTIONS ‘R’ ME. I am going to invent the world’s first Fur-Lined Cocoa Cup. Not only would it keep your cocoa warm, it would smell good, too. Mmmm, hot furry cocoa! I may also invent a Used Chewing Gum Flavor Replacer, a Grapefruit-Eating Shield, a Parakeet Diaper and an Electric Grass Clipper you can attach to your feet and walk around the yard clipping grass and reading at the same time.


HAPPY WILDEBEEST DAY. Every day should be a day to celebrate animals and their role in our daily life. For example, we could have Monkey Day. If the monkey eats five or more peanuts at high noon, it means the circus is coming to town and your parents will take you!


REACH FOR THE STARS. Just because I’m little, people think my dreams don’t count. They laugh sometimes, when I tell them I want to be an actor or an astronaut or an architect. And that makes me feel smaller than I already am. So I look up in the sky at the stars that look so small to our eyes but are really about the biggest things in the universe, and I tell myself this poem: Reach for the stars, they’re yours for the taking. . .


IF I WON A MILLION DOLLARS. If I won a million dollars, I would find a home for every stray cat and dog. I would make sure every child got a gift for their birthday. I would plant a tree on every street and a flower in every window. I would paint all the old run-down houses on my block in sunshine colors. I would have fireworks in the sky every night and give every parent a penny to tell their children how much they love them. If I won a million dollars, I would buy harmonicas for every person in the world and hire every music hall to hold harmonica concerts every night and day and fill the world with so much music that pretty soon. . . no one would need to care about money at all.


REALLY MINIATURE GOLF. Last night my friend and I went to a putt-putt golf course. That’s where you play miniature golf and try to get the ball past a lot of obstacles. If I owned a putt-putt golf course, I’d make it really miniature.


A SNOWFLAKE AGAIN. Yesterday I was in a cemetery watching my grandmother get buried. It was pretty cold, and I was wearing a warm navy blue coat. It started to snow, the first snow of the winter. I watched the snowflakes fall, not many at first, just floating down from the grey sky like they were leaves falling from trees in autumn. I held out my sleeve, and as the snowflakes landed on my coat, I looked at them. I looked at them really closely and I could see that each snowflake really did have a different pattern.


A GOOD MIRACLE TAKES A LOT OF PRACTICE. My grandpa gave me a harmonica when I was six years old, and he taught me how to play it. When I found out he was sick, I made a deal with God that if I learned how to play Amazing Grace note-for-note perfect, Gramps would be cured. It would be a miracle, and I would earn it all by myself.


INVISIBLE FRIENDS. Sure I have Invisible Friends. Don’t you? Well, I suppose I could loan you one or two of mine. Who would you like? There is Earl King, sort of a small fellow. He speaks German and is a very good guide for walking through the woods. And there is the Elebunicken — a very rare animal that is part elephant, part rabbit, part chicken. It eats lettuce and peanuts and can fly over your head and keep you shady when the sun’s really hot.

EVEN-STEVEN. (flipping a coin in the air) My dad says I don’t know how to handle money. He was giving me four quarters a day to take to school. So at recess yesterday this older kid came up to me and said, “Hey! Let me borrow a dollar, but just give me fifty cents.” Now that sounded like a good deal to me!


AND THEN I WAKE UP. Did you ever look at your cat when it was sleeping? It sleeps soooo peacefully all curled up and dreaming. Dreaming of what? What if your cat was dreaming of you, and your whole life was only a dream in the mind of a cat? It could happen!


HOW TIME FLIES. What if time was longer? What if an hour was 70 minutes and a minute 90 seconds? And a day had 30 hours in it, and a month had 40 days and a year 15 months? What if time not only stretched out but also got slower? Would it take longerrr forrrr youuu toooooo sayyyyyyyy sommmmmethingggggg. . . nggg?


COWABUNGA CATERPILLAR. I saw a man walking down the beach yesterday carrying a surfboard. I noticed that on the end of the surfboard was a caterpillar. I had never seen a caterpillar on a surfboard before. And I thought, that is very interesting. I bet that caterpillar had always wanted to be a surfer. But all of her caterpillar friends had told her, “You are crazy! Caterpillars don’t surf!”


MY FAVORITE BUNYIP. (casting fishing rod) I like to go fishing. I’m a good fisher, too. But, between you and me and the yum-yum tree, I get a little help. See those tiny ripples? That’s the Bunyip. The Bunyip is a very little person that lives in the stream and helps people catch fish. The Bunyip gets the fish’s attention by singing a song and doing a little water dance.


WISH LIST. All right, everybody, here’s the official way to get lots of good luck into your life right now. Lock the little fingers of your hands together and turn your thumbs out and up like this! (shows hand position) Then recite these magic verses. . .


WALKING IN THE CEMETERY. I like walking in the cemetery. You see lots of interesting artwork on the stones. And there is a lot of history you can learn about your community. Am I afraid? Of what? Ghosts? Come on! If dead people’s souls do hang around, they probably just want to relax and take it easy. After all, most of them had a tough life and they’re pretty tired.

CAPTAIN ANTONYM. “Goodbye, Amy, that dress is very ugly. Would you hate to be enemies? We can leave outside. The library is noisy and warm.” (pause) I am Captain Antonym! I speak only in antonyms — words that mean the opposite from each other.


MAGIC IS AS MAGIC DOES. (twirling flashlight) Hi. No, I don’t mind you telling me I’m stupid for carrying this old flashlight in the daytime. I don’t mind at all. Go ahead and laugh all you want. My jinni lives in the flashlight, and I never know when I might need him.

AMBER DAY. You’d better watch out what you say today — especially today. Why? Because today is an Amber Day. If you make a false wish on an Amber Day, it will come true.

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